Minerva's Musings
by MsPercival
Summary: This is a teenage Minerva McGonagall's private diary where she writes about navigating the joys and hardships of life as a witch. (Canon AU)
1. Chapter 1 Not-so-Sweet Sixteen

**Title:** Not-so-Sweet Sixteen  
 **Characters/Pairings:** Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Enid/Devon (OC)  
 **Rating/Warnings:** T

 _A/N – Welcome to my first_ Harry Potter _fan fic! I hope you will enjoy following a teenage Minerva McGonagall as she navigates the joys and hardships of life as a witch. Ratings will vary depending on the journal entry, but to be safe, I have rated this "T."_

 _Also, please note, this will be updated only periodically, not on a regular basis._

 _As always, thank you so much for reading!_

 **Not-so-Sweet Sixteen**

4 October, 1951

Dear Diary:

Today I'm sixteen. This should be a happy day, one filled with celebrating (I _know_ Enid baked a chocolate cake for me; she always does on my birthday). I should look forward to the weekend trip into Hogsmeade, where I plan to purchase a bag bursting with my favorite sweets, but instead, I feel very much alone. I'm surrounded by good friends at a school that I love, playing a sport I adore, yet somehow, that's no longer enough.

Quidditch is going well; I scored three goals during our last game and felt quite proud of myself. It looks like our team might have a real chance to win the Cup this year. I'd love to rub the Cup right in Milda's face; she's a nasty, self-involved braggart, always crowing about the "absolute perfection" of Slytherin Quidditch team. I can picture myself shoving the cup against her long nose. "Do you smell that, Milda? It's the sweet scent of Gryffindor's victory! Take that, Slytherin House!"

Sorry, I got carried away with the Quidditch talk...

My grades are excellent, as always. I don't write that to sound self-congratulatory, but good grades have always come easily. Yes, I'm a good student and excel at my lessons, especially Transfiguration. But I'm failing at love. What good is it to have top marks and academic success if I can't find love? I often ask myself what I'm doing wrong, why I can't attract a boy's attention. Is it because I'm not attractive enough? Am I too serious? Too dedicated to my studies? Do I seem unapproachable? I ask these things of myself every day, but I have no answer.

All right, I know why I feel even more alone that usual, I'll confess. It's because Devon asked Enid to dinner at The Three Broomsticks, and the very next day, they were a couple, just like that. My best girlfriend, Enid's in love. Everyone's in love! Except me. It's unfair! If I have to face another Valentine's Day watching all my friends out on dates, smiling and happy, I'll vomit, I swear. I pretend it doesn't bother me, and I usually hole-up in the library on Valentine's Day, but this year, I may run through the halls and blast happy couples with my wand. Don't worry, I wouldn't _really_ do that, but I feel like it. Especially if horrible Milda has a date, like she always does.

What do I have to do to get boys to notice me? Act like Milda, flip my hair around, wear too-short skirts and pretend that I'm stupid? Douse myself in that awful, cloying perfume she wears? Pad my brassiere and stick out my chest? Slather on so much makeup that I look like a clown? No. I won't do those things. That's not me. If a boy's going to like me, he has to accept me as I am.

But maybe how I am is not what boys want.

I should talk to Pomona about this. She's a good friend, too. And she's brutally honest, unlike dear Enid, who'd simply tell me what I want to hear. Pomona doesn't care what anyone thinks of her. "I'm fat, so what?" she says with a laugh. She strides around, confident, and even though she's plump, often foul-mouthed, and a little wild, boys still fawn all over her. I want to be more like her – honest and true and brave. If only there was a potion for that, I'd drink it down in a heartbeat.

Anyway, I know this sounds dramatic, but sometimes, I feel like I'm sinking in a black sea of loneliness, even when surrounded by friends and teammates. But I shouldn't complain. I _should_ be mature and responsible. I _should_ face the rest of my birthday with a smile on my face. After all, good things exist in my life, too.

I suppose that's all for today. I hear Enid storming up the stairs to our dormitory. It must be time for us to wolf down that chocolate cake.

But wait, I have one last question! No, two: Will love find me one day? And what is a life without love?


	2. Chapter 2 Spin the Wand

_A/N – This is something I plan to update only sporadically (at this point!), but I really enjoy being inside of a teenage Minerva McGonagall's mind! It's fun to focus on teen angst in the Wizarding World._

 **Spin the Wand**

6 October, 1951

Dear Diary:

As I mentioned in my last journal entry, I'm sixteen now. Sixteen! ONE more year until I come of age and can use magic outside of Hogwarts, _and_ I can finally get my license to Apparate! Being able to Apparate on my own will make life so much easier. I can visit my friends during Christmas and summer breaks without needing an escort. I've already signed up for Apparition lessons next year. I plan to pass my test on the first try. I can't imagine the embarrassment of being a school Prefect and failing the test. That would be awful! Then again, next year, I _could_ be Head Girl, but I don't want to get carried away. Even though that's something I want desperately, to be Head Girl. One thing at a time, I suppose.

And yes, I made it into Hogsmeade on my birthday and purchased a load of sweets from Honeydukes. Terrible and fattening, I know, but it's not as if I do it often. Besides, it's hard to resist my favorites: Chocoballs, Treacle Fudge, Chocolate Frogs, and Peppermint Toads. I bought other sweets to share with my friends, too. Pomona loves Cockroach Clusters and makes no bones about it. Yuck! I won't even try one. Bugs in your candy? No thank you. Bugs belong in potions and nowhere else.

Oh, I forgot to mention Enid's cake! She made me a beautiful chocolate birthday cake and it was the best tasting thing I've ever eaten. Both of Enid's parents are Muggles, and she baked the cake without magic. Pomona scoffed at this, and said it was a "grand waste of time," but I disagree. The cake itself was light and airy, not too sweet, and the thick, fudgy icing was sinful. I told Pomona if she had a problem with the way it had been prepared, she needn't try any, but in the end, Pomona agreed the dessert was perfect. Oh, Pomona…

But enough of cakes. I have to tell you about the strange goings-on that happened later in the evening on my birthday. After supper and studying (I studied, no one else did), Pomona, Enid, a few other girls, several boys (who shall remain nameless), and I stole off into an empty study room in the lower level of the castle to play Spin the Wand. Of course, Spin the Wand is a ridiculous game, because the wand is always under the control of its owner. So while the owner always _claims_ he or she has "nothing" to do with where the wand lands, we all know that's not true.

Anyway, we played for a while and the wand never landed on me. Until it did! Pomona spun, and the wand pointed right at me, its tip glowing red. I laughed, because if you're a girl and the wand lands on another girl, you don't have to kiss her. Same with the boys. But much to my surprise, Pomona scrambled across the circle, grabbed my face and kissed me! A sloppy, wet kiss! I smelled a hint of Firewhisky on her breath.

"Pomona, are you drunk?" I asked with a laugh when she rushed back to her place.

Everyone else roared with laughter, including Pomona. But it was strange, being kissed by one of my closest friends. I wanted to ask her about it later, but I didn't. She probably _was_ drunk.

That was my birthday, I suppose.

Moving along, remember my last entry where I talked about feeling like I was sinking in a black sea of loneliness, and I lamented about love? I've gotten over it. I've decided I don't need a boy in my life to make me happy or whole. I see the misery they cause.

Just yesterday, Enid and Devon got into a huge row. It was sort of scary the way they shouted at one another in the Common Room. Enid accused Devon of flirting with (nasty) Milda. He insisted he hadn't, Enid insisted he _had_ , and they spewed insults at one another for a good hour. We all tried to pretend we were occupied with other activities, but it's not easy to ignore two people when they're red-faced and shrieking accusations.

Then, the two rushed from the room, and Enid returned later, alone, sobbing. She said she didn't want to talk about it, but she sat on my bed in our dormitory and cried as I rubbed her back. But this morning, she and Devon got on like nothing happened! I'm sorry, but these relationships with boys seem too confusing and aggravating for me.

Perhaps I need to wait for someone more… mature. But whom? The boys a year ahead of me aren't exactly shining examples of maturity. And teachers? Ick, no. I think a nice nineteen-year-old young man would suit me just fine, someone out of school and in the real world. Someone tall, smart, muscular… a man who likes Quidditch. Someone who can grow an _actual_ beard.

Fine, I'm being silly.

Regardless, I need to tend to my broom. We have a Quidditch match tomorrow against Hufflepuff, and my broom needs to be in perfect working condition. Mother sent me a broomstick servicing kit for my birthday, and I plan to use it well.

Until next time, diary…


End file.
